A pre-Valentine's Day love letter
Love, and what I know about it (not much)
CS Lewis claims that there are four loves: Storge, Philia, Eros, and Agape.
Storge, or affection, is the “most basic, emotive, and general”.
Philia, or friendship, is the “most rare, least jealous, and in being freely chosen, perhaps the most profound”.
Eros, or romantic, is a “passionate love that can run counter to happiness and poses a real danger”.
Agape, or charity, is the “most spiritual and least selfish”.
When you think of love, is your first thought a romantic partner or something akin to pink and red everywhere on Valentine’s Day? We tend to elevate Eros to a higher status over any of the other loves. Historically, Greek philosophers believed that Eros was good, but they recognized that it was the love of desire.
Maybe there’s something even better than couples Halloween costumes and boo baskets. Maybe it’s friend Halloween costumes and regular baskets…
What we owe to our friends
What makes philia, or friendship love, so powerful is the fact that it requires the most work. Yes, romantic relationships are a lot of work and difficult to sustain without such, but the terms of friendship are “voluntary and vague”. Its expectations are defined by choice.
Take the scenario of a simple ask for example. It’s expected for your significant other to drive you to the airport. It’s not expected for your friend to do so. They have their own life, they’re not obligated to do so, and your text asking them for the favor likely ends with “if not, no worries!”
There’s no general consensus on how much we owe our friends, and this gives us enormous freedom. That freedom oftentimes makes us lazy, treating friendships as soft obligations that serve us when it’s convenient, but it can also make the friendship so much sweeter.
Philia is a love that reminds us that we must consistently be chosen again and again.
Philia demands us to expect more from our friends and to expect more from what we can give our friends.
Vulnerability, checking in, initiating fun dates, doing favors, speaking kindly — it’s not just something we should limit to receiving and giving when you enter a romantic relationship. In fact, what makes romantic relationships so successful, is the strong foundation of a platonic one first.
Virtuous friendship is pursuing something even bigger than what serves ourselves.
Love, not actually that great all the time
When we think about love, we also tend to think about its shortcomings: romantic breakups, friendship breakups, misuse, mistrust, overuse, etc.
Here’s how to avoid all of that:
Don’t. Lewis reminds us:
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
What a terrible way to live.
There is no fear in love
Researchers asked people how they approach conflicts with a friend versus a romantic partner, and people commonly answered that there’s this expectation to actively address issues with romantic partners. “Never go to bed angry” or “be upfront with your feelings” were common sentiments.
The opposite was said for friendships. A culture of passivity is adopted, hoping the problem will go away on its own so as to not appear “aggressive” or “needy”. Especially in adulthood, there’s a greater fear that a deeper connection in friendships can come across as “childish”, “needy”, or even as an “overstep of boundaries”.
Boundaries? Just remember that earlier we said the terms of friendship are voluntary and vague, and its expectations are defined by choice.
One last note on all this fear-about-love thing: the etymological opposite of Philia is actually “Phobia”.
Math is difficult, except I finally figured it out
A joy shared is a joy doubled. A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.
(Greek) philosophers and (Greek) life
Expect more from others and more from yourself to give to others. Expect brotherly love. Maybe the fraternities were onto something there.
A love letter from a friend
that cs lewis quote changes lives
I miss gzhou posts can we get them more frequently